She padded through the dark hallway with her doll in her hand by her hair, groping around with the other. She giggled a little out loud. At five it was funny to her for some reason. It was funny to play in the dark. She was looking for him. He was here somewhere. She knew he was. He called her name very quietly. But she couldn't see him. She heard his voice and stopped in her tracks. "Come here," he said again. She giggled and went to him on the steps. She sat down and continued to play with her doll. She never wondered what he wanted. Her big cousin was older than her. Real old she thought. Her elder. She had been taught to respect her elders, do as they said. Don't get yelled at. Don't get a whooping. He was fumbling with something. She didn't know what. She wasn't really paying attention. Her doll was more interesting than a stupid grown up anyway. "Here," he said, touch it. She didn't even know what it was. But she touched it. Felt weird. He grabbed the back of her head and put it up against her mouth rubbing it on her lips. Ew! She still didn't know what it was. They heard a noise and he jumped. She jumped too. "What you doing out here in this dark hallway," Cousin Michelle said. "Get her out of here before she falls," she said as she made her way upstairs to her apartment.
Later he found her and told her not to ever tell anyone about this. If she did, he said, they would be mad at her and he would be mad at her. "Ok!" she said. She understood.
This scene played on in her life for many years from a time before preschool til 4th grade. Time and time again because he was a family member her mother would leave her and her siblings with him. No matter the amount of crying and begging to not have to stay with him, she left her. And every time, he did something. Sometimes even including h`is friends. On the last time as she lay sick in bed with a fever she felt him ease his hands under her blankets. "No," she said weakly. "No!" And that was the last time he bothered her. But by then sexual perversian and promiscuity had been birthed. And anything else, mental illness, disease, whatever demons he carried had been deposited to her.
She never spoke it to her mother til she was 19. Never said it to her father. When she began having sex she was now promiscuous. Never knowing her rights to her body. Never knowing she had the right to say no. She never wanted anyone to be mad or disappointed so often times she gave in when she didn't want too. When all she really wanted was someone to love her. She ended up with 9 pregnancies, 8 children, and one abortion.
Later he found her and told her not to ever tell anyone about this. If she did, he said, they would be mad at her and he would be mad at her. "Ok!" she said. She understood.
This scene played on in her life for many years from a time before preschool til 4th grade. Time and time again because he was a family member her mother would leave her and her siblings with him. No matter the amount of crying and begging to not have to stay with him, she left her. And every time, he did something. Sometimes even including h`is friends. On the last time as she lay sick in bed with a fever she felt him ease his hands under her blankets. "No," she said weakly. "No!" And that was the last time he bothered her. But by then sexual perversian and promiscuity had been birthed. And anything else, mental illness, disease, whatever demons he carried had been deposited to her.
She never spoke it to her mother til she was 19. Never said it to her father. When she began having sex she was now promiscuous. Never knowing her rights to her body. Never knowing she had the right to say no. She never wanted anyone to be mad or disappointed so often times she gave in when she didn't want too. When all she really wanted was someone to love her. She ended up with 9 pregnancies, 8 children, and one abortion.
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